I’m in a really messed up situation right now and I want to rant about it cause whining about life is my no. 1 forte but I don’t even know where to begin cause everything is too contradicting and confusing to sort out ahhhh
A friend called and asked if I wanted to go out and grab some drinks, but I was not in the mood so I told him I couldn’t cause I had a lot of homework to do (I don’t know why I said that when “I’m feeling a bit tired” is a much more convincing excuse, I mean, homework on a Saturday night?) And yet 10 minutes later, here I am, still wandering on tumblr, having absolutely nothing important to do. I don’t even know anymore.
I think I miss ? but I don’t really want him to come back. And it’s not even that he ever did anything to make me feel sad, it’s just me overthinking things and overhurting myself and I hate that. I don’t want to get hurt because of him and he wouldn’t want that either. I’m writing a sad and soppy post about him again when I’m not sure if I want to but I think I need this. I need to remind myself that I’m in a better place right now and it’s better this way. In fact I don’t think I need his existence in my life anymore, and he doesn’t need mine either, as he never did.
I don’t want to be around these people but they keep telling me not to be such an anti-social and that I should hang out with them more but DON’T YOU GET IT I don’t want to hang out with you, I don’t want to waste time being around / talking to you, I don’t want you to act as if you were friends with me when you’ve been talking behind my back (and probably everyone else’s) this whole time (yup this is what people in my class are like for you) Seeing as dropping out is not an option (even though I very much want to do so) I just want to get this whole thing over with, graduate, and never see these people ever again. Leave me alone please all of you.
So this guy I haven’t met for 5 years wanted to go grab some drinks with me the other day. I don’t think I was too sure about it? but somehow I decided to go anyway. We ended up talking for an hour, and as far as I can remember I was whining about my life for the most part and didn’t even notice I was doing it. I was so sure that he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore, but apparently he doesn’t find me that annoying cause he just sent me a text asking if I’d want to meet up again tonight. I’m guessing my social skills aren’t that bad after all.
I want to drop out of university. I seriously do. I’m studying something I don’t like, being surrounded by people I don’t like, so basically I’m going through this monotonous circle of doing things I don’t enjoy every single day, and on top of that I still can’t find a decent job, which I doubt is going to change even when I graduate. And I’m beginning to find this situation even more depressing after meeting up with some friends from middle school and high school (the fact that I can’t stand anyone at my university means I have to look for other people to talk to, but thank god these guys are the best and we still have so much fun hanging out together - yay for another successful interaction with humans) and apparently they’re all pretty happy with their lives? I’m not sure if they’re genuinely happy or they just think they are, but either way it’s still better than me sitting here, whining about how crappy my life is while I haven’t got around to doing anything to change it. Other people might not mean it when they say they’re 100% depressed all the time but I really do.
I had the most awesome day yesterday so naturally today has to be excruciatingly crappy. I just knew things were all going too well.
Only a shadow
Only a shadow
Only a shadow but she looks like you
She’s doing it again, getting mad at me for not calling nor coming over to see her for the past few weeks. I have a life full of things I need to deal with too but she doesn’t seem to remember that, she never seems to remember that. And it’s not like she’s being childishly selfish, which would actually be better because I might not know what to do but at least I’d still know what to think about this whole thing. But she’s turning herself into a victim (?), saying things like: “It’s ok”, “It’s alright”, “Sorry I keep bothering you”, “I’m used to it anyway”, “I’m fine, really”. What am I supposed to do with you? What am I supposed to think about myself? Am I the one who’s being selfish to you? This is why it’s hard to be friends with her. I don’t get mad at her for forgetting to come and see me but she’d get mad at me over the littlest things. Sometimes I see her as a friend I can’t live without and sometimes I see her as someone I never want to be around because being with her brings back too many things I don’t want to be reminded of. I don’t know. I’m confused. What am I supposed to do with you?
I still find it hilarious that I lost a couple of followers right after that post I made about Justin Bieber. I mean are they new followers or have I been coming across as some teenybopper fangirl of him or something?